Self-Portrait

This Too Shall Pass

Explanation: The last few months I have felt the loss of my mom more strongly than I ever have. It’s been a knot in my chest. The depression that has accompanied that has been very difficult to shake.  While I was much more productive the last semester of school than I had been since I was diagnosed with severe depression almost three years ago, many people did not see that. These people focused on the surface. These people do not really know me and they judged me by their own standards and just what was obvious.
Many times when I am depressed people will try to cheer me up and say, “Just do it,” or “Let that stuff go,” “You are only focusing on the negative.” Sometimes while trying to motivate me they will add, “Everyone else can do it, why can’t you?” None of these help. I say things just like that to myself all the time. Being depressed makes me really angry. I just want to work on my paintings and live up to “my full potential.”  When I try to take care of myself, i.e. make sure I get enough sleep, people think I am just being lazy. People think I am just being lazy quite a bit actually. That is the most common judgment.
I chose the bright white light on my should to represent these accusations and judgments. I wanted the light to be harsh, unrelenting, and biased.  I wanted to show that by being in the dark of depression that the harshness of these allegations is painful, a shock to the system, and impossible to accept. I have to pull away from that light because the judgments are not fair and they are being brought on by people who do not understand.
The bare chest is to show vulnerbility.
The shadows represent depression and grief.
The painting as a whole shows these emotions and public reactions to it.
I chose this subject because it has been a huge part of me for the past few months and also because it’s really the only way I can express the depression to other people. I may try to tell someone, if I am close with them, but even then I can not fully explain how I feel. I know that the depression will pass, just as it always has in the passed. Art is nothing if not a way to express one’s self.

Note: This was originally posted on 5/5/09 on blog.limitedpalette.com.  Recently I read a quote by Edward Hopper, “If I could express it in words, I wouldn’t need to paint.” That is exactly how I feel about this painting and the emotion behind it.